So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I can't turn off my feet"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
