You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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