maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
