I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
