best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
