Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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