Midget sex pt 2 tonight
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
