I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
