Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
