got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
