my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
