Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just tell him i said nine months
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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