On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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