I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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