That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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