So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
