He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
