Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
