My sheets look like a crime scene.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
