She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
