Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
