my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
