My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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