There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
