i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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