My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
