saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
