she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
