just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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