I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
