During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
