wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
