literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
