My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
