Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
