My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
