as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
