I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
