im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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