hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
