i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
