Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
