Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
