my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
