Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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