just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
