You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
