We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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