currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
