Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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